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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24278980">Holy Dildo, Batman!</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/BadBlond099/pseuds/BadBlond099'>BadBlond099</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Familiarity Breeds... [11]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Batman - All Media Types, Nightwing (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Cuz we're all stir crazy, Dick has no shame, M/M, Quarantine, Sex Shop, Sex Toys, Smut, facemasks</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-03 01:01:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,432</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24278980</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/BadBlond099/pseuds/BadBlond099</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Dick sighed dramatically. “Do you know what this means?”</p>
<p>	Jason shrugged and mumbled, “You probably didn’t have to have a bunch of sex toys shipped to the mansion so that Drake could reroute them here and figure out even more weird stuff about our personal lives?”</p>
<p>	Dick blinked a few times, his shoulders dropping. “Uhh…yeah, actually. Damn. Hindsight’s a bitch.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dick Grayson/Jason Todd, Stephanie Brown/Cassandra Cain</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Familiarity Breeds... [11]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1731799</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>100</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Holy Dildo, Batman!</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Miss me?</p>
<p>Not that I've fallen too far behind... Schedule got messy. Really didn't have the opportunity to sit down and write.</p>
<p>Of course I DID manage to have a little nugget of an experience that worked out nicely for this series: awkward times at the sex shop during quarantine! This was mostly inspired by me choking on nothing upon finding the biggest dildo I've ever seen and panicking over semantics (that thing was larger than a newborn baby!!!!).</p>
<p>Anywho, as always don't take this too seriously. It's all in good fun! This is part of a series of quarantine-themed short-fics focusing on the JayDick experience. Reading the others isn't required to enjoy this as they're all a little light on plot. This is just my way of fighting the cabin-fever writer's block and hopefully bringing a few smiles during this weird time. If anybody's got any suggestions or experiences they'd like to see turned into something weird for this pair, lemme know! I'm down for most things.</p>
<p>Oh, and just a little heads up, but I do have Steph/Cass tagged but not F/F because they're not the main focal point of the fic. They're certainly suggested though...</p>
<p>And on a dumb note, I didn't want to use a REAL shop's name, so instead I used a stupid Zoolander 2 reference and for that I am sorry. &gt;w&lt;</p>
<p>Hope you enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was quiet…</p>
<p>            …too quiet.</p>
<p>            Jason almost felt—for a brief moment—that he might have the opportunity to take a moment of silence to himself and—</p>
<p>            “DUDE!”</p>
<p>            Never mind.</p>
<p>            “ADAM AND EVE AND STEVE NEVER CLOSED!”</p>
<p>            Jason sighed. “The hell are you on about now?”</p>
<p>            Dick set his cell phone down and inhaled deeply before starting into his explanation. “I wanted to get an outside opinion on the, uhh, beads we got recently, so I gave the local sex-shop a call to see if they were doing curb-side so that I could pick up a book, but it turns out…THEY’VE BEEN OPEN THIS WHOLE TIME!”</p>
<p>            Jason stuck his pinky in his ear, pretending that something had been wedged in there. “Could you say that again?”</p>
<p>            Dick sighed dramatically. “Do you know what this means?”</p>
<p>	Jason shrugged and mumbled, “You probably didn’t have to have a bunch of sex toys shipped to the mansion so that Drake could reroute them here and figure out even more weird stuff about our personal lives?”</p>
<p>	Dick blinked a few times, his shoulders dropping. “Uhh…yeah, actually. Damn. Hindsight’s a bitch.”</p>
<p>	Jason rolled his eyes and got off the couch, setting his latest book aside. “Why did that warrant the excited shouting exactly?”</p>
<p>	“Well, I wanted to go shopping in person.”</p>
<p>	“Be my guest.”</p>
<p>	“But, um…Well, I thought it would make things easier if we went together.”</p>
<p>	Jason raised an eyebrow. “Do you really need me? I haven’t really been opposed to anything you’ve wanted to try so far.”</p>
<p>	“No, but you’re usually the one using them on me,” he pointed out. “We could find some things to use on you! And get some opinions on the best ways to spice things up, and—”</p>
<p>	Jason shuddered. “Look, I’ll go with you, but the last thing I want to do is discuss that stuff with strangers.”</p>
<p>	The smile that played its way onto Dick’s lips was devious and made Jason nervous. “You’re so cute when you’re embarrassed. Come on! Get your mask and let’s go!”</p>
<p>	They wound up taking Jason’s motorcycle out—Dick riding behind Jason, pressing against his back as much as possible—and went straight to Dick’s favorite sex supply store.</p>
<p>	After taking his helmet off, Dick pulled on a facemask with the Bat logo on it and handed Jason one with a zipper pattern printed where his mouth should be.</p>
<p>	“Doesn’t that seem a little…sexual?” Jason questioned, staring at the pattern on the mask. “It’s not like I need one anyways. I’ll just—”</p>
<p>	“Hey, the city’s doing what it can to make facemasks a requirement when out in public. Just because you’re Mr. Immunity doesn’t mean you should make other people nervous! Now quit complaining!”</p>
<p>	“Did you have to pick the zipper? I mean—”</p>
<p>	“Just put it on!”</p>
<p>	There was no room for further argument, so he donned the mask and was immediately reminded why his Red Hood mask included an electronic air filter. The recycled air he kept breathing through the mask felt stale and uncomfortable.</p>
<p>	They walked into the shop together and were immediately greeted by a retail worker who was a bit too loud despite the distance between them.</p>
<p>	“Welcome! Let me know if I can help you guys find anything!” The person in question was a guy wearing a Wonder Woman facemask. Jason’s only response was to nod, but Dick got right to work.</p>
<p>	“Actually, I have plenty of questions! We just got this bead toy by XX brand and I wasn’t totally sure that we were using them right. Something felt off.”</p>
<p>	“Oh, that brand uses fantastic quality materials, but its products tend to use a higher frequency vibration. That just means…”</p>
<p>	Jason bristled as the guy went into details, speaking loud enough to be heard from a short distance and then some while other people roamed about the store at their own pace.</p>
<p>	“I-I’m just going to, um, I’ll look around over…there…” He put as much distance between himself and Dick as he could and was horrified to find that, no matter where he was, it was still far too easy to listen in on their conversation. He tried to occupy his mind by looking at the products around him.</p>
<p>	Apparently that was a bad idea. He hadn’t realized where he’d wound up; the entire aisle wall was nothing but life-like cock-shaped dildos of various sizes and colors. By sheer dumb luck, he wound up right at the largest one available: a horrifying 16-inch length with easily over 4 inches of girth. His jaw dropped from sheer shock and horror.</p>
<p>	“I thought you were dating Grayson, not Bane.”</p>
<p>	Jason fought the strong desire to turn and punch out the person who’d snuck up on him. Instead he looked over his shoulder and glared at his unwanted company. “The fuck are the odds?”</p>
<p>	Despite the purple Bat mask, Stephanie’s smile was easily recognizable underneath. “I know, right? Great minds think alike.”</p>
<p>	“I tend to bottom, so most things get used on me, but we were also interested in getting some things for him to enjoy…” Dick’s voice rang out in the distance and Jason may as well have turned as red as his usual helmet.</p>
<p>	Stephanie smirked. “Oh god, this is torture for you, isn’t it?”</p>
<p>	“What gave you that idea?” he said through ground teeth. “I would have just as happily stayed home and not participated in any of this.”</p>
<p>	She picked up a nearby product and waved it in front of his face. “How ‘bout something like this? ‘Cock-Copier’? Oh, you use your own dick as a model and—”</p>
<p>	He snatched it from her hand and set it back on the shelf from whence it came. “Have you no shame?”</p>
<p>	“Sure I do. I’m just getting a real kick out of you. I always took you for the kinda guy who takes charge in bed, but you’re secretly a little repressed, aren’t you?”</p>
<p>	“Yeah, well, something tells me you’re not here shopping for Tim. Why didn’t you bring Cass along?”</p>
<p>	That got her to blush. “Oh! Uhh, I wasn’t…I mean…we’re not…”</p>
<p>	“I don’t care what you’re doing or WHO you’re doing for that matter. Timbers is a big boy. He can take a little rejection. We’re in a quarantine. I won’t blame anyone for wanting to satisfy a few…baser needs…I’m just not used to being this open about it.”</p>
<p>	“Trust me, use this and he’ll be mewling in your arms!”</p>
<p>	The retailer’s voice rang out and Jason wished, desperately, to melt into the floor.</p>
<p>	Stephanie winced, finally showing a little sympathy. “And you’re dating Grayson? Geez. Why do I get the feeling he’s the kinda guy who gets a sex swing as a surprise present?”</p>
<p>	Jason could cry.</p>
<p>	“Chin up, Todd! I’m sure you’ll be fine!”</p>
<p>	“This type of gag is a little on the messier side, but if you like the mental image of drool dripping off his chin while his eyes are drunk with lust, it’s just what you need!”</p>
<p>	“Okay, they’ve got to be doing that on purpose at this point.”</p>
<p>	“I’m not going to kill my boyfriend. I’m not going to kill my boyfriend. I’m not going to kill my—”</p>
<p>	“Jay, do you have a flavor preference for lube?”</p>
<p>	Steph snorted from the sudden fit of laughter.</p>
<p>	“Dick, you have five minutes before I’m leaving you here,” Jason growled out.</p>
<p>	“Touchy! Whatever! I’m about ready to checkout anyways.”</p>
<p>	Stephanie caught her breath and let out a bemused sigh. “Good luck, Todd. Something tells me you’re going to need it.”</p>
<p>*</p>
<p>	Jason stuffed his facemask into his jeans pocket the moment they stepped outside.</p>
<p>	“Oh, quit being such a sour-puss! We made a killing in there!”</p>
<p>	He pulled his motorcycle helmet on in a huff and straddled his bike impatiently.</p>
<p>	“Aww, was I too mean? I just couldn’t resist messing with you a little.”</p>
<p>	“Get on or I’m leaving without you.”</p>
<p>	“Okay, okay!” Dick pulled his own helmet on, not even worried about taking off his facemask, and settled onto the motorcycle behind Jason, keeping the handle of his shopping bag up at the crook of his elbow. He wrapped his hands around Jason’s abdomen, pressing against him just a little too low. “I’ve got such a fun night planned for you, Little Wing.” His hands began feeling over Jason’s fly teasingly. “It’s my turn to punish you.”</p>
<p>	Jason, heated as he was, scoffed and pulled out of the parking lot a little too fast, forcing Dick to stop messing around and hold on for dear life.</p>
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